I remember one day taking a walk in the valley and seeing so many homes filled with families, children—people who had “made it” in my mind. I had never felt so far away from God in my life. Would I ever “get there”? It seemed impossible.
It felt like the whole world was going on without me and I didn’t matter. I felt abandoned and alone. It was then that I wrote this prayer:
My dear Source of all Creation,
Pick me up when I can walk no further
Help shine a light in this dark place
So I can see just one more step in front of me
Oh heavenly Source please show me the way
When I am lost
For your presence, it comforts me
It restores me to fullness
My Father, My Mother Source
I throw myself at your knees
And bow to your Infinite Wisdom
I know all things are done through me
I am your humble servant
Take me, shake me Oh Muse
To the bone
Make me so scared of you
Yet give me the strength to stand tall
And see that my fear was wrong all along
Shake me to my core
So that I might know what my heart
Really feels like
Strip away everything that is not needed
So that I can see You clearly
In the space that’s in between
My Muse, my sweet Muse
Protect me from Death
Until it is my time to move on to greater pastures
Take me to the edge and keep me there
So that I might have one foot in Death
And one in Life
So I can bring these two worlds closer together
Thank you Oh Muse for these
Lessons, these moments of joy and sadness
I know they are your perfect
I meant what I said in that prayer, too: I wanted to live on the edge. I just didn’t want to go over it.
I had been in the pool house for about a month. One night I came home after another bad date and borrowed Internet from some poor unsuspecting house in the neighborhood (I’d sit outside in my Jeep and scan for open Wi-Fi networks) and saw that my e-mail in-box was full to the brim with Twitter notifications. I also looked at my Twitter account and my number of followers had gone up—a lot. In fact, I’d gone from one thousand to ten thousand people overnight. I couldn’t believe it. What had happened? Then I saw it: reality TV star Kim Kardashian had tweeted about me. She said, “I feel so inspired when I read tweets from @TheDailyLove. They make me feel lovey and positive!”
I had just gotten another Godshot.
This was a very powerful moment. Suddenly, at the push of a button, I had access to ten thousand people. What was I going to say? Would it be good? I didn’t know, but I kept on tweeting. I continued to gain followers, and now people were tweeting back that I was changing their lives with my writing. I couldn’t believe that a tweet could change a life, but apparently something was happening. I had a new burst of passion and energy to keep going.
But even as I was being fueled by this wave, I remember looking around the pool house and wondering, How am I here? It was so small. It felt like a prison cell. In one of my meditations I asked the question, Why a room this size? You are so abundant—why something so small?
The answer I got back was immediate: Mastin, this room represents the size of your faith.
The thought gave me chills because I knew it was true. I had surrendered my faith to so many other people. I hadn’t followed my true calling, and this room represented how much faith I had in myself—and in God to support me in following my bliss. As I kept meditating, I remembered my Bible and what Jesus said:
Assuredly I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, “Move from here to there,” and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. (Matthew 17:20 [NKJV])
I started to laugh out loud. I couldn’t believe this! I could probably fit a billion mustard seeds in my pool house. I saw that even though I was in such a small room, I was being
supported and in fact I had PLENTY of faith. It was in that moment that I began to see that the pool house wasn’t my jail, it was my cocoon. I was transforming from a caterpillar to a butterfly, but I had to “die” first.
Nothing Is Impossible When You Have Faith
by Mastin Kipp